Terry Crews vs Segata Sanshiro
Terry vs Segata.jpeg|Dio the Ludicolo Terry Crews vs Segata Sanshiro.png|Arceusdon Description Whoever chose these characters for their marketing campaign were clearly on drugs. Amazing drugs. Where can I get some of that shit? Interlude (Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston) Wiz: A marketer is meant to try to find out what the consumers want. To get inside their audience's head and make the advertisements as great as they possibly can. It's how companies stay in buisness. Boomstick: But somebody was clearly on drugs when they created these two marketing legends. And somehow, they worked! Terry Crews, the embodiment of Old Spice's POWER!!! Wiz: And Segata Sanshiro, the savior of the SEGA Saturn. Boomstick: He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick. Wiz: It's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skill to see who would win in a Death Battle! Terry Crews (Cues: Killer Instinct Title Theme (Vintage Score) [Alternate Version]) Wiz: In the year 1934, the Old Spice company was founded by William Lightfoot Schultz. It did considerably well, being a strong company up to this day. Boomstick: But being a company, they wanted to be the best. They wanted the words 'Old Spice' to be unanymous with the entire body works industry. And to do this, they did the obvious thing. They hired former American Football player, Terry Crews! Wiz: In real life, Terry Crews was born in Flint, Michigan in 1968. But as the Old Spice Guy, not much is really known about his history. What we do know is that he appeared one day, and began endorsing Old Spice products. He uses these products to get amazing strengths and abilities. Boomstick: Let's start off with his basic weapons. He uses the Old Spice Shaver to shave through anything, and even create small explosions! And you better get used to them, because about 90% of Terry's abilities focus around explosions. Wiz: He also uses the Flame Sax, which is a saxophone at shoots fire whenever it's played. Boomstick: But that's nothing! Just wait until we get to the cool stuff! Like the Old Spice Odor Blocker Bodywash, which can block odor for up to sixteen hours! This Bodywash is so powerful, that it can block out the sun! But then it gets too cold. So it makes two suns in it's place! Wiz: While there are some safe solar systems that contain two Suns, Terry's Double Sun Power isn't anything of the sort. It will burn the countryside and make all living things explode in a slightly-exaggerated manner. Terry Crews holds up his Old Spice Odor Blocker Bodywash while yelling "DOUBLE SUN POWER!!", as the trees around him explode. (Cues: It's a Trap - Deadpool: The Game) Boomstick: But the insanity doesn't stop there! Terry has the ability to scream at somebody so loud that they can magically change into Egyptian clothes, as well as transform people into chip machines on command! Terry: POTATO CHIPS!!! Wiz: He also has the ability to extend his limbs and punch somebody from the other side of the screen. We're not quite sure if his arms can extend around the world instantly, or if it's just his reality warping, but either is just as impressive as the other. Boomstick: Speaking of screens, Terry is fully aware that he's part of a commercial. He has interrupted commercials for other products multiple times, and he's even used the power of Old Spice to continue his own commercials longer! Terry: OLD SPICE ODOR BLOCKER BODY WASH IS TOO POWERFUL TO LET THIS COMMERCIAL END!!! (Cues: Deadpool's Old Theme (Le Scar Remix) - Marvel vs Capcom 3) Wiz: Trust me when I say that we've barely scratched the surface with him. Terry can fly at incredible speeds with his rocket feet, shoot lasers out of his eyes, change size at will, and create a seemingly infinite number of clones of himself. He can detach and reattach limbs at will, even using his own head as an explosive projectile. Boomstick: Terry also rides two steeds into battle. One is a motorcycle that can carry many Terrys at once, and the other is his majestic tiger. Tiger: AAAHHHAAAHHAHAAAA!!!!! Wiz: Not only does Terry have incredible abilities and attacks, but he's also survived many crazy things as well. Boomstick: He's survived countless explosions, getting his skin and muscle melted off by lava, and even having his brain leave his head and explode in front of him due to Old Spice's extreme power! Wiz: However, Terry does have his fair share of weaknesses. He has trouble fighting against other reality warmers, like Isaiah Mustafa, which can lead to an endless standoff. He is also not immune to the powers of Old Spice, as seen when his brain exploded from the intense power. Also, since his power is drawn directly from his Old Spice products, he must reapply every sixteen hours. Also, he has been incapacitated by strong explosions in the past, meaning his main form of attack can be used against him. Boomstick: Even with his flaws, Terry is still one badass salesman. He just might be the coolest character out there. Terry: PUH-PUH-PUH-PUH-PUH-PUH-POWER!!! Segata Sanshiro (Cues: The Delta Force - Main Theme) Wiz: On November 2nd, 1994, SEGA released it's fifth-generation home console; the SEGA Saturn. Boomstick: The Saturn sold amazingly well! By the end of 1995, 500,000 units had been sold in Japan. The Sony PlayStation had sold only 300,000 by that point! Wiz: But things didn't stay this way forever. The Saturn slowly became less popular, until it had fallen to the bottom of the fifth-gen consoles. SEGA needed a way to help save the console. So in an attempt to help their sales, they had one of the most absurd ideas in marketing history. Boomstick: Instead of trying to sell the console by convincing everybody that it's better like most companies do, they decided to scare people into buying it! SEGA created a character with a single purpose; to beat the ever living hell out of anybody who doesn't play the SEGA Saturn! Wiz: This man was none other than the judo master himself; Segata Sanshiro! (Cues: Segata Sanshiro - Metal Cover) Boomstick: Now, not much is known about the Saturn's savior. What we do know is that he appeared one day, carrying a massive SEGA Saturn on his back for his daily training. Wiz: That must be extremely heavy! Boomstick: Oh, that's nothing, Wiz. Just look at some of the amazing things that he's done! He's raced over 60 miles per hour on ice barefoot, kicked a baseball for a home run, and even won a soccer game by throwing a player into the ball! Wiz: He can clone himself a seemingly infinite number of times, and grow to any size he wants. It's unknown if his clones also poses this ability. Boomstick: If they did, that would be terrifying. Imagine an army of giant Segatas running through a city. Scary. Wiz: Segata is a master of disguise. He once broke into a house dressed as Santa Claus, and even tricked the children inside of said house. Boomstick: Just think: he could be in your house this very moment. He could be somebody close to you, somebody you love. When's the last time you saw your mother? ''' Wiz: Um... '''Boomstick: WIZ, ARE YOU SEGATA?!? ARE YOU HERE TO KILL ME AND MAKE ME PLAY A SEGA SATURN?!? *struggling noises are heard* Wiz: GAH--STOP IT! THAT'S MY FACE! Boomstick: Oh. It really is you. Oh well. Anyways, Segata's favorite attack is his exploding judo throw. This attack will make the victim explode upon impact with the ground. Twice. ''' Wiz: In just a few years, the Segata Sanshiro was back at the top of the gaming market! It even surpassed the N64 in sales at one point! '''Boomstick: With the Saturn's popularity, somebody got jealous. It's not known exactly who did it, but either Sony or Nintendo decided that it was a good idea to NUKE SEGA HEADQUARTERS. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Wiz: It really wasn't a smart idea. A nuclear bomb would destroy Japan's economy, just like the end of WWII, thus making their company go bankrupt. Not a good business idea. Boomstick: Good thing Segata jumped in to save the day! Literally! I mean, he jumped off of a building to stop the bomb! (Cues: Sega Saturn, Shiro! - Project X Zone 2) Wiz: Segata caught the missile midair, and redirected it into space using nothing but a glass panel. To do this without breaking said glass, well, he couldn't. It's physically impossible. Segata broke the laws of physics to stop a nuke. Boomstick: That's awesome! He even survived the vacuum of space! Before, y'know, he died. Because of a nuclear explosion to the face. Wiz: Actually, he might have survived that explosion. Boomstick: Are you crazy? It's a nuclear bomb, Wiz. How could he survive that? Where's the proof? Wiz: Well, for starters, he crashed a SEGA Sound concert in 2013, 15 years after his supposed death in 1998. Boomstick: Holy crap, he did survive! Where do you think he is now? SEGA needs him! Wiz: Well, he's probably sulking alone because of his great failure. Boomstick: What? ''' Wiz: See, Segata isn't perfect. While he did help the Saturn, he couldn't save it. The failure of it's first 3D system is probably what made SEGA all but die as a company. It no longer makes consoles, while it's previous rivals, Nintendo and Sony, are still going strong because of the success of the N64 and PlayStation. And SEGA's fall is all because Segata couldn't save the Saturn. '''Boomstick: Wow, that's a lot of pressure. Speaking of which, does he have any other notable weaknesses? Wiz: Well, his Judo used to be ineffective against the undead, but he seems to have overcome this obstacle as of Project X Zone 2. His obsession with getting people to play the SEGA Saturn also gets him into trouble, as he sometimes tries to fight people that are much stronger than him. Boomstick: Despite these minor faults, I would ''not ''want to get on this guy's bad side. Segata Sanshiro: SEGA Satan Shiro! Pre-Battle In a log cabin next to a forest and a mountain, Chuck Norris is seen sitting on a couch and watching television. TV Announcer: We'll return to Delta Force right after these messages. On the television, a commercial for the SEGA Saturn comes on and Segata Sanshiro appears. Segata Sanshiro: SEGA Satan Shiro! Chuck Norris presses a button on his remote, and changes the channel. But this channel also had a Saturn commercial with Segata in it. Segata Sanshiro: SEGA Satan Shiro! The commercial continues with footage of Sonic R, but Chuck Norris changes the channel. Again, Segata Sanshiro is on the screen, this time dressed as Santa. Segata Sanshiro: SEGA Satan Shiro! Chuck Norris presses a button on his remote once again, changing the channel. Segata Sanshiro: SEGA Satan-'' Chuck changes the channel again. ''Segata Sanshiro: SEGA-'' Chuck changes the channel yet again. ''Segata Sanshiro: Satan-'' Yet again, Chuck changes the channel. ''Segata Sanshiro: Shiro! Chuck Norris goes to change the channel by pressing a button on his remote again, but the television screen begins to warp. Segata jumps out of the television set wearing a massive SEGA Saturn on his back, leaving the TV broken. Chuck Norris stands up as Segata tosses the system at him, catching it one hand. He then proceeds to crush the system, turning it into dust. The two glare at each other, ready to battle, when suddenly the wall in Chuck's house broke into pieces. Out of it jumped a muscular man that smelled like Power. This was none other than Terry Crews! Terry Crews: OLD SPICE IS TOO POWERFUL TO STAY IN IT'S OWN BATTLES!!! Chuck and Segata turned away from each other for a second to look at the surprising newcomer. Chuck began to advance towards him, but Terry suddenly began to yell again. Terry Crews: POTATO CHIPS! With the power of his voice, Terry Crews turned Chuck Norris into a vending machine. He then proceeded to smash said vending machine to get a bag of chips. Segata watched in horror as Terry Crews stood in the middle of Chuck Norris' living room, eating a bag of Chuck-chips. When he finished his bag of chips, Terry turned to Segata. Segata knew that if he wanted to survive, he needed to fight this man. So be it. Segata got into a fighting position, and Terry responded likewise. This was going to be the greatest battle in history. FIGHT! (Cues: Guile's Theme - Street Fighter) Segata made the first move, jumping forward and tilting his leg upward, delivering a sharp kick to Terry's jaw. The impact created a small explosion. Terry responded to Segata's attack with a kick of his own, this one Leonidas style. He bent his leg in front of him, and kicked forward with a push. This knocked Segata across the room, causing skid marks to burn across the floor where he slid. Segata grabbed Chuck's couch, and tossed it towards Terry. However, Crews negated the attack single his laser vision, causing the couch to explode midair. He then dashed forward and grabbed Segata by the head, thrusting his arm forward to forcefully shove him through the wall of the cabin. Segata stumbled backwards, and stood up. When Segata looked up, he saw a fist directly in front of his face. When it made contact, an explosion blasted him upwards. Terry used this opportunity to start a combo. Terry's arm extended upwards, latching onto Segata's ankle. Terry pulled himself up into the air, and kicked Segata forward. He then stretched his arm around the world, punching him back. Terry began to juggle Segata back and forth, all while flying with his Rocket Feet. As Segata flew towards him a final time, Terry generated a Flame Sax from thin air and blew into it. The burning pillar that erupted from it shot Segata sky-high. Terry flew towards the ground, landing in a desert. A few yards ahead, Segata landed violently. He slowly got up, a look of anger in his eye. All around him, clones began to appear. Slowly, more and more Segatas filled the space around him. When the army was so large that it couldn't be counted, Segata grinned. However, his enthusiasm quickly faded when he saw Terry laughing, unfazed. Suddenly, an explosion appeared beside Terry, and a new Terry was standing in its place. Again, an explosion appeared, creating another clone. Within seconds, an uncountable large army of Terry Crews were facing Segata's army. (Stop Music) The opposing armies looked at each other hatfully, prepared to do war. Suddenly, the sound of a hundred millon feet was herd as the groups chsrged at each other vigorously! Cues: Guile Heavy Damage Theme - Street Fighter) The original combatants were lost in the waves upon waves of clones. From afar, all that could be seen was a clash between a massive blob of white and a massive blob of brown. If one were to move closer, however, things would be much more brutal. A horde of Segata's piled onto a Terry, crushing every bone in his body. A few yards to the side, a Terr turned a Segata into a chip machine, kicking him back onto three others, killing them instantly. Past them, a Segata ran frantically as his robes were burning due to an attack from a flame sax, but he was quickly stopped by a pouncing tiger that wouldn't stop yelling. Across the battlefield, a Terry tried to use an Old Spice Shaver on a Segata to shave him from existence, but that backfired as the Segata disarmed him and used the Shaver against him. Just beyond that, ten Segata's were impaled on a Terry's extended arm. Then, a Segata punched a Terry backwards, launching him into a long red motorcycle, killing all the Terrys on it. Explosions and death was everywhere. There was endless massacre and violence, but it all led nowhere. The armies were simply too large to do any significant damage to each other. The fighters could kill the enemy in any way, but it wouldn't matter. That's because the fight wasn't truly happening down on earth, but on the moon. (Cues: Guile's Theme - Epic Rock Cover) Far above the battlefield, the two originals stood. They eyed each other cautiously, before engaging in combat. Segata quickly jumped forward and punched downwards, blasting Terry to the other side of the moon. Terry was flung into the air of the other side, unaware that Segata had jumped through the hole after him. As he turned midair, Segata crashed his feet into him, releasing the momentum that was gathered through the gravitational force of the satelite's core. Terry was shot out of the moon's atmosphere, crashing into the surface of Mars. Terry struggled to get up, but was promptly crushed by a massive Sega Saturn. Segata fell next to him, and used the cord of the controller to choke Terry. Crews blasted lasers out of his eyes, but to no avail, as Segata stood behind him. He was losing oxygen fast, and he needed a plan. Crews grabbed a can of Old Spice and sniffed it, overloading his brain. His skull opened, and his brain flew out and exploded. This knocked Segata back, giving Terry ample time to escape. When Segata got up, he saw Terry charging towards him. He responded likewise. They both threw a punch forward, colliding their fists and creating a shockwave that could be seen from space. They held each other's fists in their hands, pushing forward as hard as they could. Segata head-butted Crews, following up with a powerful flurry of kicks and punches. Terry flew back, only to slam into a clone of Segata that was waiting. Together with his clone, Segata began to kick and stomp on Terry's, not allowing him to get up. Gruesome noises were heard. Suddenly, without warning, an explosion radiated of fun of Crews' body. The clone was killed, and Segata flew backwards. He looked up to see that a golden aura was flowing out of Terry, complete with DBZ Super Saiyan sound effects. Terry blitzed forward and threw up his knee, shoving it into Segata's stomach. Segata reeled in shock, collapsing onto the ground. Terry then proceeded to blast the ground under Segata with his laser eyes, exploding him upwards. He finished the small combo off with a punch that shot Segata forward. Segata landed on his back, and slowly climbed back up. He was bruised and bloody, just like his adversary. They both knew that they couldn't last much longer. This was the end. Terry and Segata ran forward, and Terry kicked his leg forward. However, Segata maneuvered his way around the attack, and grabbed Crews in a choke-hold. He then lifted him up and began to rapidly spin. After a few seconds, he released his grasp. Terry flew across the sky, and landed in a crater. He began to stand, but before he could, he exploded! Segata put on a pair of sunglasses as he walked away. Behind him, a second explosion was unleashed, this one much larger than the last. It was in the shape of a mushroom, and it shine bright enough to be seen from miles away in the depths of space. When it cleared, there was no sign of Terry except for a few scattered body parts. KO! Stop Music) Segata calmly walked away without even looking back, like an absolute badass. He left footprints in the Martian soil, and spit out some blood. BRRRRRR! Without warning, the sound of a shaver was heard. Segata looked around frantically, but saw nothing. Suddenly, he began to fade from existence. Well, not really fade. More like he was being shredded apart. Within seconds, all that was left was his karate outfit. And sitting on top of it was an Old Spice can. The lid of the can popped off, revealing the face of Terr Crews! He looked at the viewer directly, and addressed them. HELLO! FINAL KO! Terry's full body burst out of the can, and a second sun appeared in the sky. As Terry yelled, the solar system caved in upon itself. Conclusion Wiz: Well... That was... Boomstick: Unexpected? Confusing? Awesome? Terrifying? Wiz: All of the above. Boomstick: Personally, even I'm confused about what just happened. Wiz: Well, I guess it's our job to explain why Terry won, right? Boomstick: Uh-huh. Well, uh... While they're both extremely powerful and can warp reality, Terry is just much more sufficient at it. Wiz: See, while Segata might be able to warp reality, Terry has shown many more feats of a much more intense nature. Not to mention, Terry has gone toe-to-toe with Isaiah Mustafa multiple times, and his powers defy the very concept of logic! Boomstick (in a mocking tone): ''But Wiz, if Segata can't beat his reality warping powers, can he beat him with his Exploding Judo Throw? Explosions are Terry's only weakness besides more powerful reality warpers!'' Wiz: I'm glad you asked! See, explosions are definetely the most effective way to defeat Terry. However, it's not easy. The most that we've seen explosions affect Terry were with temporary incapacitation. He can be blasted apart, but that's not going to put him down for good. So without reality warping powers stronger than Terry's, Segata had no way to permanently defeat him, while Terry had an almost endless number of ways to permanently defeat Segata. Boomstick: Yeah, in the end, Segata just ended up suffering a Terry-able fate. Wiz: The winner is Terry Crews. Category:Diegoampage Category:Death Battles by 2 Different Companies Category:"God vs. God" Themed Fights Category:'Hero vs. Hero' Themed Death Battle Category:Fistfight Category:Magic vs Martial Arts themed Death Battles Category:What-If? Death Battles Category:'Toon Force' themed Death Battles Category:'Video Games vs TV Shows' themed Death Battles Category:Completed What-If? Death Battles Category:Death Battles with Music Category:What-If? Death Battles completed in 2016